I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
