i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
