the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
