So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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