I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
