I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
