Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm at about main and main street
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
