so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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