im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
