They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
