Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
