Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
