i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
