Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
