The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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