Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
