Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
