I want to make a zoo with you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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