I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
