She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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