Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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