The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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