Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
