she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
