I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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