I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
