I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
