They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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