SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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