so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
