I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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