just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
