Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
