A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
