god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
