So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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