I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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