We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
