That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
