My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
