I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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