I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
