There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
