3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
