If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
