Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
