Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
