fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
