are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
