There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
