She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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