i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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